Security Seeking Relationship Style What Does It Mean For You?
Is your relationship style security seeking?
If your relationship style is security seeking, you desire a sense of safety in your relationship. You want your relationship to feel like home, a safe place to lay your head. A security seeking relationship style means you value comfort. This means you never want to question your partner’s commitment to you.
Your hidden desires
There are 3 hidden desires for the security-seeking partner. It may be one that is true for you, or you may resonate with all 3.
3 hidden desires for the security relationship style:
1. Safety and trust: You want to know that your partner is a safe and trustworthy person. You need to know that they will not lie, cheat, or manipulate you in any way.
2. Commitment: You want to know that they are there for you, and in it for the long haul. They will not abandon you.
3. Priority: You want to know that they choose you. You want to feel like you are the most important thing in their life.
Phrases that fulfill you:
Statements that make you feel most loved:
- “I’m right here for you.”
- “I love you, and I’m committed to you.”
- “You are safe with me.”
- “You can trust me. I have nothing to hide.”
Hearing these words helps to give you the reassurance you’re seeking. When you’re frustrated or hurt in your relationship it’s usually because those words aren’t ringing true. You’re questioning those same statements. You’re especially distraught when your partner’s actions have you questioning “Are they really there for me?”, “Can you count on them?” “Am I truly their priority or does something else come first?”
The challenge with the security seeking relationship style
Despite your partner’s best efforts, you may remain unconvinced that you are their number one. Security seekers have a harder time trusting that there is nothing to worry about within the relationship. You may be preoccupied with their actions, and looking for an example you can point to confirm your fears.
When you do this, you are missing all the ways in which they are there for you. You’re not paying attention to the majority of their actions which communicate, “You can count on me.” You have your blinders on. And when you do this, you are pushing your partner away. Therefore the anxiety and worry you already had increases.
Develop adventure
When you desire security so strongly, you don’t make room for the opposite desire, adventure. Lack of adventure in your relationship may mean you're not speaking your mind or taking risks. An abundance of security can lead to boredom or stagnation, both of which are problematic within a relationship. In fact, they are the enemy of any successful long-term relationship. It’s important you allow enough space for mystery, passion, and pleasure. There are so many ways to mix things up and keep your relationship feeling fresh.
How to love a partner with a security seeking relationship style
Here are 6 tips for loving a partner with a connection style:1.
1. Respond to texts and phone calls in a timely manner: Make an attempt to reply to your partner sooner rather than later. If unable to do so, explain why later.
2. Prioritize spending time together: Put quality time with them above other things. Don’t allow other things to take precedence.
3. Be clear and intentional about boundaries with others: Avoid flirting with others or sharing private things with other people.
4. When you are with others, stay by their side: If you’re in a social situation, put your arm around them, touch their back, or engage in other small shows of affection.
5. Be honest and transparent: Try not to keep things from your partner. Be willing to share all that is happening in your life.
6. Never threaten the relationship: Avoid saying things that would make it seem like your relationship is in jeopardy.
Taking the next step...
Most people have both a primary and secondary desire. Find out yours by taking this quiz. Your results will be emailed to you. Make sure your partner also takes the quiz and you discuss the results together. You don’t have to settle for a relationship that’s just “okay”. Together you can uncover how to get the type of love you want and need.
If you’re ready to fill in the gaps and have the connection you so desire, join one of our workshops. Our workshop will equip you with the tools you need to take your relationship to the next level. Love can be simple. Your desires can be met!
You can learn about other relationship styles below:
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