How to Compromise in a Relationship

What Compromise Looks Like In A Healthy Relationship

You and your partner make a good pair, but that doesn’t mean you agree on everything, all the time. If you shared the same opinions and had the exact same wants, it would probably be quite boring. One of the things that attracts people to their partner is their differences. However, the same things we find attractive about our partners can make things difficult at times. Conflict can arise when there’s a difference in opinion.

When making decisions big or small, how can a decision get made that both people can feel good about? The answer is compromise. Compromise is a great friend to long-lasting relationships. In fact, many longtime married couples say it is the secret to a healthy marriage.

What is Compromise?

Compromising “right” is a valuable skill in relationships. Compromise shows respect, understanding, and empathy. Compromise is a way to accommodate the needs of others.

Compromise in a relationship is about finding a middle ground between differing needs, desires, and opinions while maintaining respect and care for each other. It involves both partners making adjustments, sometimes sacrificing a little of their own preferences or desires, to reach a solution that works for both people.

Healthy compromise usually involves the following:

• Communication: Clearly expressing your needs, desires, and boundaries while also being interested and open to your partner’s perspective.
• Flexibility: Being open to change and willing to make adjustments to plans or expectations when necessary.
• Respect and Fairness: Making certain that both partners feel that their opinions and needs are being considered and that no one is constantly sacrificing their well-being.
• Teamwork: Operating from a “same team” perspective, meaning problems and decisions are challenges you face together, rather than as individual issues where one person “wins” and the other person “loses.”

Is Compromise Good or Bad?

For some people, compromise might be a dirty word. Compromising can get confused with giving in or settling. Giving in or settling means surrendering your needs without any reciprocal benefit. You’re essentially yielding to the other person, and letting your boundaries be violated. Unlike giving in, compromise requires active participation from both parties, with the goal of meeting the needs and desires of both people. In summary, mutual benefit and active participation distinguish compromise from giving in.

Compromise is problematic if any of the following is true:

Self-Sacrificing

Are you giving up your core beliefs or denying your self-worth? Being passive may seem like a good idea. You may feel like trading your needs to avoid conflict is no big deal, and it may not be for a while. But looking back you’ll realize you weren’t being true to yourself. You may be left with serious regret.

Avoiding Vulnerability

Do heavy conversations and emotions make you uncomfortable? You may be giving in to avoid difficult conversations or feelings. You shouldn’t abandon your own needs in order to avoid vulnerability. In fact, vulnerability really shouldn’t be avoided. While it may seem easier to bow out, your relationship will suffer without it.

One Person is Always Compromising

If one person is constantly compromising there is an unequal balance. One-sided compromise is unhealthy. If one person is constantly giving in to the other’s needs and desires, resentment is bound to breed. Over time, the person giving up things and adjusting their wants/needs may begin to feel like they are being taken advantage of.

Too Much Compromise

Both people compromising too much in order to please the other is not good either. Sometimes it’s better to hold your ground, and not concede. You are two separate people with differing wants and needs and that’s okay. That’s actually… good. It can be tricky to know when to bend and when to hold firm. It takes practice because compromise is a skill, maybe even an art.

The Benefits of Compromise

Compromise is an essential skill in any long-term relationship.

1. Strengthens the Relationship

• Promotes Teamwork: Compromise reinforces the idea that you and your partner are teammates working towards a shared goal. This sense of unity encourages a deeper emotional connection.
• Builds Trust: When you each give and take, it shows both people are putting in effort to meet the other’s needs. With time, this strengthens trust and confidence in one another.

2. Fosters Respect and Understanding

• Acknowledges Both Partner’s Needs: Compromise includes listening to and understanding your partner’s desires and concerns. This respect for each other’s needs and viewpoints deepens emotional intimacy and leads to better communication.
• Boosts Empathy: Trying to see things from your partner's perspective, and compromise helps breed empathy. This deeper understanding creates room for more compassionate and supportive behavior.

3. Increases Problem-Solving Skills

• Unconventional Solutions: Compromise encourages both people to think outside the box and come up with creative solutions that satisfy everyone.
• Conflict Resolution Skills: Learning to compromise is a valuable conflict-resolution skill. Couples who compromise well are better equipped to handle future disagreements in a constructive way, reducing the likelihood of long-lasting or unresolved conflicts.

4. Promotes a Sense of Partnership

• Shared Responsibility: It is not one person’s job to make things work. Both people are responsible for maintaining the relationship.
• Equity: Through compromise, each person sees that their needs matter. They all see that their partner’s needs are just as important. This makes for a healthier dynamic where neither person feels neglected or taken advantage of.

5. Encourages Personal Growth

• Ability to Adapt: Compromise can help people grow as individuals in their ability to adapt, be flexible, and prioritize the needs of others. Compromise also promotes patience, humility, and the strength to venture outside of one’s comfort zone for the sake of the relationship.
• Balancing Individual and Shared Needs: Compromise allows both partners to celebrate their separate identities while also nurturing their shared connection. This leads to a sense of personal fulfillment and greater happiness within the relationship.

6. Reduces Resentment

• Promotes Sharing Emotions: When compromise is practiced within a relationship, both partners feel heard and respected. This reduces the chance of resentment or frustration building over time.
• Manages Healthy Expectations: By trading and bargaining needs and desires, compromise can prevent misunderstandings or unrealistic expectations, which can otherwise lead to disappointment and negativity.

7. Improves Communication

• Opens Dialogue: Compromise requires constant clear, and honest communication. Couples who practice compromise regularly tend to be better at discussing difficult topics.
• Clarifies Priorities: Compromise helps couples identify what really matters, which leads to better clarity in your communication about shared goals, desires, and values.

8. Bolsters Long-Lasting Relationship Satisfaction

• Flexibility with Change: Throughout a long-term relationship, circumstances change. Examples include jobs, children, health issues, etc. Couples who know how to compromise are better able to adapt to these changes without conflict, maintaining harmony in the relationship.
• Sense of Fairness: When both people feel as though they are getting something from the compromise, it creates a sense of equity in the relationship, leading people to feel more satisfied in their relationship.

9. Contributes to Sense of Security

• Healthy Disagreements: When compromise is practiced, disagreements are less likely to feel like personal attacks. Both partners know that differences are a natural part of the relationship, and the focus is on resolving issues together in a safe and loving way.
• Encourages Vulnerability: Compromise requires being vulnerable about your feelings, needs, and weaknesses. This vulnerability, combined with understanding and compromise, creates emotional safety in the relationship.

10. Fosters Patience and Tolerance

• Patience: We won’t always agree with another’s view. But by listening and considering different angles, we learn to tolerate and respect the opinions and needs of others, even when they differ from our own. With compromise, both partners acknowledge that they won’t always get their way. This mindset helps foster a sense of acceptance and appreciation for differences.
• Tolerance: Through repeated interactions and negotiations, people become more comfortable with discomfort. They learn that differences in opinion or approach don’t have to divide people and can instead lead to a more balanced solution. Tolerance grows when we understand that the process of compromise isn't about "winning" but about finding mutually acceptable solutions.

How to Find Compromise

Good relationships are about balance. Compromise helps you achieve that fairness and respect.

How to navigate healthy compromise in your relationship:

Express Your Needs:

Both people need to clearly, and directly communicate what they want or need, and explain why it’s important to them. You can be honest about your feelings without blaming, attacking, or being defensive.

• Practice Active Listening: Instead of preparing your counter-argument while your partner speaks, stay in the moment and simply listen. Try to see their perspective. Ask clarifying questions and offer validating statements.
• Use “I” Statements: When expressing your feelings start sentences with “I” instead of “You”, for example. This will help you refrain from accusing your partner and putting them on the offensive.

Be Flexible

You should be willing to give a little in a relationship. Both people should be open to adjusting their positions to some extent. This does not mean you should be sacrificing needs or values. However, it may involve changing the way you meet those needs. It’s about being receptive to alternative solutions.

Keep in mind that compromise doesn’t always mean an equal split. Sometimes it may look more like 75% and 25% rather than a clean 50/50. It’s okay if one partner gives more in one situation, and the other might give more in another. The important thing is keeping balance over time.

Set Boundaries

Yes, you should be flexible, but not every time. Just as important is knowing and then honoring your boundaries. You should know what your non-negotiables are – those things that you won’t compromise on. These are often values or specific lifestyle choices. Communicate to your partner what these are, and know what your partner;’s are. If your boundaries are being encroached, speak up.

See the “Big Picture”

Is it important to win an argument if it’s at the expense of your relationship? Ask yourself what is most important to the relationship long term. Prioritize mutual respect and maintain your emotional connection, rather than winning the argument.

Aim for Win-Win

Avoid watering down both of your wants so that you settle on “just content”. A win-win situation is when both parties feel like they have benefited. With win-win you’re saying, “Let’s make this work for both of us.”

Be Creative

Sometimes finding the middle ground means thinking outside of the box. If you are both on separate pages it’s time to rethink your options. Instead of your way, their way, or a combo, think of a fourth option, something completely different that you can both be happy with. To do this you’ll have to the root and find out what it is each of you truly want. Usually, it’s under the surface anyway.

Express Gratitude

Acknowledge and show appreciation when your partner is compromising on something for you. Even if you weren’t mindful at the time, you can express your gratitude later on. Tell them how you appreciate what they did for you and your relationship.

Be Patient

Remember that compromise requires time and trial and error. Do not expect to find a perfect solution every time. Sometimes, compromise needs to evolve over time as you both people learn what works best for the relationship.