How to Recover From Infidelity

Infidelity – it shakes up your entire world and leaves you doubting the things you thought you could rely on. A betrayal like that causes people to struggle with their sense of trust, security, and self-worth, among other things.

How to Recover From Infidelity

An affair isn’t something to just “get over”. It takes great strength, effort, and vulnerability to recover from infidelity. You have to be willing to put in the work. If you choose to save the relationship, both people must be truly devoted.

What’s Defined as Recovery?

It’s hard to define recovery as it relates to infidelity. This type of recovery is subjective but generally means that you and your partner have graduated from the initial pain and distrust and can talk about the infidelity without triggering significant emotional responses. Recovery is an ongoing process which means you are both working on rebuilding trust. It means you are both putting in the effort to repair and strengthen your relationship because you both see a future together.

Tips For Affair Recovery

Don’t Set Expectations

The time it takes to heal is personal, and therefore cannot be predicted. Instead, expect that it will take patience. If you need a more specific timeline, it tends to take at least two years for the pain of an affair to ease.

After learning of your partner’s infidelity, it’s likely your mind started running at great speed, deciding what this will mean for x, y, and z. Try not to jump too far ahead. Instead of thinking about what this means for next Christmas, think small scale, and how to get through today. Give yourself time.

Understand the Context

Decide how much you want to know about the affair. For some, details help give closure, while for others it makes the recovery process more difficult. Think about what you need for your healing.

Don’t Torture Yourself

Ruminating over your partner’s infidelity is normal, especially in the beginning. However, continuing to visit the pain doesn’t help anyone. Try to identify what your triggers are, not to necessarily avoid, but understand them.

Take Care of You

An affair is a devastating blow that can turn your life upside down. It’s easy to become consumed by the affair and believe that other things are no longer important. However, you mustn’t let your needs fall by the wayside. Emotional recovery is hard work. Not taking care of yourself through diet, sleep, exercise, appearance, etc. will only make you feel worse. Keep with your routine. Engage in mindful activities such as yoga, journaling, or meditation. Do the things that bring you joy and treat yourself to more pleasurable things.

Communicate with Honesty

There is no point in letting things go unsaid or keep feelings bottled up. Express your feelings and don’t downplay them. Ask the questions you want answered so that nothing is left to linger. Be upfront about your needs during this time.

Seek Individual Therapy

Healing from your partner’s infidelity is very much a personal journey. However, sometimes help and guidance are needed to get you where you need to be. A lot of emotions are involved, and they will need sorting, and processing. A therapist can give you the right tools to move forward.

Find Support

Don’t isolate. You may want to cancel all your plans for the foreseeable future. How can you possibly socialize when your relationship has been blown up by infidelity? The reality is that now, more than ever, you need the support of others. Spend time with family and friends. If you’re not comfortable opening up to them about your partner’s infidelity, simply being with others can be a good distraction.

Join a support group specifically for partners who’ve experienced infidelity. These are a safe space for you to share, gain perspective, and heal. Many support groups like this are virtual and anonymous like the “Infidelity Survivors” group.

Go to Couples Therapy

Couples therapy can be the difference between the relationship surviving or not. Studies show that around two-thirds of couples report improvement in their relationship after undergoing therapy following infidelity, with at least half of them considered "recovered".

Set Clear Boundaries

Once you discover the affair, you may need some space from your partner in order to process it. This could mean limiting contact or requesting them to leave temporarily. Set boundaries that allow you the time and space to heal. If and when you decide to stay in the relationship, set clear boundaries for rebuilding trust.

Forgive

Forgiving your partner for their affair is not a sign of weakness. It doesn’t excuse their behavior. Nor does forgiving them mean what they did is any less painful. The oppositive, unforgiveness gives way to anger and resentment. Neither will serve you. When you’re ready, choosing to forgive your partner will assist you in your healing. Remember, forgiveness is a process.

Reflect on the Future

Think about what you want for your future. You’ll need to decide whether you want to try and rebuild the relationship, or move on. Both decisions are valid. What’s most important is allowing yourself the space and clarity to make the choice that feels right for you.

Does Infidelity Pain Ever Go Away?

Like other emotionally impacting experiences, you can forgive, but not forget. In other words, you can move forward while still being effected emotionally by the affair. The pain from infidelity will indeed subside with time. However, the pain may return to a degree whenever the memory is visited or you experience a certain trigger. Infidelity can be traumatic, with some people delveoping post-traumatic stress disorder. For those people, recovery can take longer.

How to Know You’re Healing

The following are signs that you may have reached a state of recovery:

You Experience Less Side Effects From the Infidelity Now

There is a wide range, but some of the more common symptoms are bursts of crying or anger, ruminating thoughts about the affair, obsessing over the other person, and contempt for your partner. Ask yourself if these initial feelings or behaviors have subsided.

Triggers Become Less Frequent and Less Intense

It’s fair to say that triggers can stick around for a long time, depending on your experience. However, is there an improvement in your ability to regulate your emotions when hearing certain words going certain places, etc? Maybe there was a song on the radio that would bring you tears no matter where you were, but no you can listen to it without having to shut it off or flee.

There is Emotional Vulnerability

For the person who was betrayed, emotional vulnerability means allowing yourself to truly feel the pain in its entirety and not suppressing it. It means giving yourself permission to feel what you need to feel whether it’s grief, sorrow, anger, or even rage without fear of judgment or rejection.

Trust Reemerges

You may still be working on rebuilding trust, but you’re in the process. You feel like you can get to a place to trust them again fully, little by little. Trust is also remerging within yourself. It’s common to doubt your instincts and feel disappointed with your decisions as a result of your partner’s affair.

Clearer Communication and Emotional Intimacy

Honest communication is always key, but so much more when it comes to healing from infidelity. In order to rebuild trust and connection you need honest, transparent communication. Both partners must be open about their feelings, fears, and needs, even if those conversations are uncomfortable or painful. It will become more comfortable with time and practice.

The Affair Recedes into the Background

It used to be that the affair was everything. It consumed you. It was the extra large elephant in every room with you, and it could not be ignored. However, now it’s not as present in your life. You haven’t forgotten about the infidelity but it doesn’t follow you around constantly. It’s become more background noise rather than the only thing you can hear.

You’ve Made Peace with Your Decision to Stay or Go

Previously you were on the fence about whether you should stay with them. One day it seemed like you were going to stick it out, but the next you felt you should leave the relationship. You now have direction and clarity. No matter which one it is, making a decision you feel good about is what matters.

You Know Recovery Doesn’t Mean Staying

Many people believe that recovery from infidelity means that your relationship is repaired and both partners are happy, together. But what about individual recovery? Recovery is personal and subjective. It is possible to “recover” from infidelity and decide not to return to that relationship. That’s because so much of recovery is about processing your feelings, your needs, and your desires. If you’ve done all that, that too is considered recovery, regardless of staying with your partner.

The Importance of Couple Therapy Post-Affair

Couples therapy can help your recovery in a huge way. Specifically, it can help with:

1.) Understanding How the Affair Happened

If you don’t understand how the affair occurred, you can’t see how it can be avoided in the future. The how and why are very difficult to hear but that information will prevent you from seeing the affair as a random occurrence. It will give you more security.

2.) Sorting Through the Many Emotions Involved

Infidelity forces you to juggle a wide range of uncomfortable emotions. This can be overwhelming, and emotionally exhausting. Your therapist can help you process your emotions in a healthy way.

3.) Fixing the Long-Term Issues

The hard truth is that infidelity is the result of pre-existing problems. Often times there is some shared responsibility when the relationship needs fixing, although it may be minute. Though no one is ever forced to cheat, the other person may have had a hand in creating a less-than-perfect relationship.

4.) Re-connecting Physically and Emotionally

Being intimate after your partner had an affair can seem impossible, especially if your partner had sex with someone else. Both people have to be vulnerable in order to get anywhere. Therapy can help you navigate the steps to becoming intimate once again.

Setting Bondaries to Regain Trust

Winning back the trust that was broken after an affair is hard work. Infidelity is a giant imbalance of power. By setting ground rules the hurt person can gain back some of that power and feel less insecure.