How to Set Healthy Boundaries in a Relationship

What are Boundaries?

In relationships, boundaries can be described as the guidelines for what is acceptable behavior to us as individuals. Boundaries are different based on the person, their experiences, values, and needs. You and your partner may not have the same boundaries, which is normal. The important thing is understanding and respecting each other’s boundaries. However, for that to happen they must first be clearly expressed.

Healthy vs. Unhealthy Boundaries

Boundaries are not about controlling the other person. If that’s the case, the boundaries are unhealthy. Boundaries should be about protecting your emotional, physical, and mental space while at the same time fostering trust and understanding.

Healthy boundaries are neither loose nor rigid. Loose or porous boundaries result in overinvolvement. People who have loose boundaries find it hard to say no and may sometimes accept mistreatment or abuse. On the other hand, rigid boundaries make developing a close connection difficult.

So then what does it mean to have healthy boundaries? When there are healthy boundaries, we value and respect ourselves. We see our wants and needs as no less important than anyone else’s. Therefore, we are empowered to communicate these wants and needs to others, and expect them to be understood and respected.

How to Set Healthy Boundaries

Healthy boundaries improve autonomy and sense of self and at the same time bring you closer to your partner through greater understanding. In other words, boundary setting in a relationship is a win-win!

Do Some Self-Reflecting

Before you can set boundaries you need to know what you want and what you need. This requires knowing yourself, identifying your values, and your non-negotiables. Think about past relationships, both romantic and not.

Ask yourself questions such as:

• What are your emotional, physical, and mental limits?
• What do you need in terms of space, time, and support?
• Are there certain behaviors or situations that make you uncomfortable?

Don’t Wait

It’s best to set boundaries as early in the relationship as possible. However, boundaries can be introduced at any time.

Be Direct

When it comes to setting boundaries, be straightforward. It won’t serve either of you to be ambiguous. Be clear about what you need. For example, if you need more alone time, instead of saying, “I sometimes need to be by myself,” say, “I need to have an hour to myself every evening to help me recharge.”

Be Respectful

It’s possible to be direct while also remaining respectful. You’re not laying out a list of demands. This should be a conversation not void of kindness. It’s not a time to play the blame game nor an opportunity for criticism. Instead of making accusations, make it about your needs. Use “I” statements. For example “I feel…” or “I would like…”.

Stick to Your Boundaries

Boundaries work only when there is consistency. If you allow one of your boundaries to be crossed over and over again, your partner may not take it seriously. You don’t have to make a huge deal of it, but you also need to acknowledge the slip. When a boundary is crossed, remind them.

Address Violations Calmly

When a boundary is crossed, let your partner know right away. Let them know how it feels to have the boundary crossed. Remind them why you have that boundary. Avoid coming at them with anger. Do not allow a violation to remain unaddressed for it will cause resentment, and lead to future violations.

Stay Firm, But Flexible

If your partner is having trouble following a boundary you’ve set, talk about why that is. Try to see their perspective and ask yourself whether a change can be made that still upholds your needs. Sometimes compromise is necessary.

Have Check-Ins

People change, relationships change, and therefore your boundaries may shift over time. Make sure you are checking in with your partner (as well as yourself!) regularly to see if changes need to be made or if new boundaries need to be added.

Types of Boundaries in Relationships

Emotional Boundaries

Sometimes we are shown relational models or experience ones firsthand where there is too much emotional distance. Or we may have seen the other end of the spectrum, an enmeshed emotional connection. Setting emotional boundaries is a way of breaking these patterns and improving relational health in the present. Emotional boundaries deal with your feelings, emotions, and general mental state. They help you keep you emotions in check and prevent you from becoming overwhelmed by another person’s. This includes being allowed the space to feel any emotion and feeling a sense of safety.

Other examples of emotional boundaries include not tolerating being talked down to or shamed. Another example includes not judging or sharing when intimate details are shared.

Physical Boundaries

Occupying the same physical space and engaging in physical touch is an expected part of romantic relationships. It is normal to both crave the physical piece and at the same time want some level of distance. Discussing expectations in this area is part of the healthy boundary-setting process.

You cannot know how your partner feels about physical boundaries without talking about it. Ask each other how physical touch makes them feel - what kind do they like and not like and in what settings? What frequency?

Communicate preferences for physical space. This goes beyond touching. Depending on your relationship, you may need to set guidelines for where you live, sleep, or keep your belongings. Don’t assume that what works for you, is good for them too.

Time Boundaries

Time boundaries are about managing your time and ensuring that both partners respect each other’s schedules, commitments, and needs for personal time. We may feel exhausted or drained in our relationships when our time boundaries are being pushed.

In romantic relationships, healthy time boundaries are set by being clear about each person’s quality time needs and external obligations. One way to devote time while respecting boundaries is to have scheduled time together. For example, it may mean that you spend time together at 7 pm each evening after each person has decompressed on their own. Having a regular date night on the calendar is also a good idea. This allows partners to be present with one another while still having the space to be engaged in other aspects of their lives.

Sexual Boundaries

Sexual boundaries are crucial when it comes to making sure both partners feel comfortable and respected in physical intimacy. These boundaries can ensure no one is feeling pressured or coerced. Open communication around sexual boundaries helps prevent misunderstandings and discomfort. Sexual boundaries prevent someone from shutting down, feeling unsatisfied, or disrespected. Regular discussion in this area opens the door to a more fulfilling sex life and promotes a foundation of trust.

For example, you may want to discuss what the other person needs to feel before becoming sexually intimate. You may want to talk about fetishes or things you are not comfortable with. All of this should be done with openness and curiosity and without judgment.

Taking the Next Step

Remember that boundary setting is not a one-time thing but an ongoing process. Boundaries will change, as we do. This is why regular communication about boundaries is warranted.

If you find that you're struggling to identify your personal boundaries, understand each other’s boundaries, or you’re having difficulty communicating about boundaries, a trained relationship expert can help. The experienced therapists at The Couples Center can guide you toward authentic, meaningful ways of setting and respecting healthy boundaries in your relationship.