How to Overcome Fear of Intimacy in Relationships

Fear of Intimacy – What is It?

Fear of intimacy is a profound fear of getting close emotionally, and sometimes physically to another person. Being vulnerable with another person is not easy. Intimacy is complex. When it comes to intimacy in our relationship, we all have some fear of intimacy, but the degree varies.

If you have a fear of intimacy you know that it doesn’t mean you don’t want to form connections. People with a fear of intimacy desire closeness just as much as the rest of us, but they are held back by anxiety.

Possible signs of a fear of intimacy:

• Difficulty sharing feelings or expressing needs
• Purposely sabotaging a relationship once it feels too close
• Having trouble trusting a partner
• Avoiding rejection by pretending not to care
• Avoid situations that could be intimate
• Keeping conversations surface-level
• Making excuses or white lies
• Not prioritizing the relationship
• Searching for problems with the other person
• Avoiding physical contact

Fear of Intimacy Causes

Fear of intimacy is deep-rooted. Usually, fear of intimacy comes from life experiences. Most often it is the result of feelings developed in early childhood. We can understand this through attachment theory, which is the formation of attachment with our primary caregivers. The type of attachment we adopt sticks with us into adulthood. Fear of intimacy can come from parents who were unavailable to us, or caregivers who were critical of us. Fear of intimacy can also be caused by negative relationships later on in life.

Fear of Abandonment and Fear of Engulfment

According to psychologist Jordan Rullo, PhD, fear of intimacy can stem from a fear of being abandoned. It’s often the result of the relationship with an early caregiver who may have abandoned physical or emotional needs when you were a child. With a fear of abandonment, you may choose not to get too close so that you can’t be let down. This can sometimes look like self-sabotage – stopping a relationship before it can truly begin. People who avoid intimacy because of the fear of losing themselves in a relationship, or being controlled by others may have a fear of engulfment. This can develop after growing up in an enmeshed family.

Fearful Avoidant Attachment

You may have a fear of intimacy if you have a certain attachment style. Fearful avoidant attachment, also known as disorganized attachment, is an insecure attachment style characterized by inconsistent behavior. It incorporates elements and switches back and forth from both the anxious and avoidant attachment styles. A person with this type of attachment will have issues opening up and trusting others. There is a push-pull dynamic with a fearful avoidant attachment where the person desires closeness but also runs from it.

Other Fear of Intimacy Causes

• Past traumatic experiences: Traumatic or upsetting experiences (especially those involving intimacy) can unsurprisingly impact one’s ability to be intimate after the fact.
• Unhealthy self-image: Having a negative perception of yourself can make you avoid intimate experiences. For example, Being uncomfortable with a certain body part will no doubt disrupt physical intimacy, especially if there’s fear of being judged on top of your own judgment
• Mental health conditions: Mental health conditions such as anxiety, depression, OCD, or personality disorders can get in the way of intimacy. People who are afraid of others' judgment, evaluation, or rejection are naturally more likely to shy away from making intimate, personal connections. In addition, some specific phobias, such as the fear of touch, may exist as part of the fear of intimacy.

Effects of Fear of Intimacy

Intimacy is a natural expression of love and connection. It’s been proven that emotional connections are strong enough to impact us physically. As Aristotle said, we are “social creatures”. We are meant to form connections with others. Without that connection, we can feel depressed or physically ill, simply because it’s unnatural to be without it. We need connection, even when we push it away.

In a study published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, researchers suggested that having someone we have a close connection with gives us confidence and reduces stress. On the other hand, when there is a lack of connection with others people feel isolated and lonely, causing significant stress. The research also found that a lack of intimacy produces increased cortisol levels leading to depression and other negative mental health issues.

Unsurprisingly, fear of intimacy impacts couples the most. Multiple areas of intimacy are affected – emotional, physical, and sexual. Sometimes, the fear of emotional closeness can expand to include a reluctance for sexual intimacy.

How to Fix Intimacy Issues

• Identify where your fear of intimacy comes from by examining your thoughts, attitudes, and beliefs.
• Visualize yourself in an open and honest relationship and create a goal to be more vulnerable. What does that look/sound like? Begin by taking small steps like sharing your feelings about everyday, casual situations.
• Challenge your self-defeating thoughts about accepting love and happiness. Why do you think you don’t serve this?

Ways to Increase Intimacy

• Go to Therapy

Therapy is one of the best ways to care for yourself and make positive changes. Healing must be done before we are fully ready to be in a relationship with another person. A therapist can help you navigate pain from your past in a productive way.

• Invest in Yourself

In addition to therapy, you can supplement your self-care through practices like yoga, journaling, meditation (especially self-compassion and loving kindness), healthy eating, and exercise. All of these can help you be the best version of yourself.

• Write a Letter to Yourself

Think about a painful situation you’ve experienced (perhaps in childhood) and show empathy for yourself like you would another person. List the things you like about yourself.

• Practice Daily Positive Affirmations

These exercises, combined with therapy, can help replace the negative thoughts about yourself, with more positive and realistic ones.

How to Achieve Intimacy in Relationships

• Have a New Experience

Travel to a different place, plan a unique date night, or experiment with a new activity. Adding novelty to your relationship can help you relax and have fun in all areas of intimacy. Newness can help get you outside of your norm, and open up.

• Engage in Deeper Conversations

Think of questions you have never asked your partner before. The increase in emotional and intellectual intimacy that comes from deeper conversations will strengthen your bond.

• Set Aside Technology

Spending time staring at screens can negatively impact in-person intimacy with your partner. Improve your connection by being intentional with your phones and schedule “phone-free time” where you are present without distraction.

• Prioritize Affection

Meaningful touch helps build physical and sexual intimacy. Try to incorporate small gestures, such as hand-holding or touches on the arm to show your desire to be close to your partner.

• Appreciate One Another

It’s easy to forget to verbalize appreciation. Make an effort to tell your partner how much your relationship means. Appreciation is a building block for a secure relationship where intimacy can flourish.

How to Love Someone With a Fear of Intimacy

If your partner is struggling with a fear of intimacy, the best way to help is by being a supportive and non-judgmental presence. Let them know you’re there for them and encourage them to talk about their feelings in a gentle, patient way.

It’s important to respect their boundaries and allow them to open up only when they are ready. Pushing them will only cause them to move backward. If their fear is causing them pain, lovingly suggest they seek professional help. Offer to attend couples counseling with them. Ensure them that you’re willing to work with them and move at their pace. This can make a big difference in their journey toward healthier, more intimate relationships.

Why Therapy is Important

If you have a fear of intimacy, you are not alone. In fact, it’s estimated that around 17% of people have this fear. You don’t have to deal with it alone either. Professional help is recommended for those with a fear of intimacy. This is especially true for people whose fear comes from past experiences and trauma.

An experienced therapist can help you address past or present events that are keeping you from achieving the satisfying intimacy you deserve. Your therapist would work with you to create a tailored plan to combat those things holding you back.

Many people who have a fear of intimacy also experience problems with depression, substance use, and anxiety disorders that also need to be addressed. A therapist can help with these concerns as well.