How to Get Through a Rough Patch in a Relationship

Remember when you and your partner first got together - how smitten you were? How perfect they seemed? You couldn’t get enough of them. You had butterflies. And you were wearing rose-tinted glasses. In this beginning stage of your relationship, the future looked bright…

Now, that honeymoon phase may seem like light years ago. Maybe it’s hard to believe it existed at all. Because now you’re going through a period where things between you and your partner feel tense and strained. There is a communication breakdown and you feel disconnected.

Are Rough Patches Normal in Relationships?

Every long-term couple, even that seemingly perfect couple you know has had its strains and complications. This is to be expected. It’s important to know and accept that it’s normal to go through a tough period in a relationship.

A “rough patch” in a relationship can be described as a period where things are generally difficult or out of balance. The key distinction of a rough patch is that it’s usually temporary, even though at that time it may be hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Is it the Beginning of the End?

A rough patch doesn’t necessarily mean the end of a relationship. Most couples will go through what’s considered a rough patch at some point.

However, a period ends, so if the issues persist, it may be more than a rough patch. If partners don’t address the issues, they’re bound to get worse, and the rough patch becomes something more significant that poses a threat to the longevity of the relationship. This can happen if the relationship is left to decline. Without solid effort, the connection can break down and damage the foundation that was built.

What Causes a Rough Patch in a Relationship

There are a number of reasons why a rough patch might occur. Generally speaking, it’s the result of the relationship not being a priority at the time. Maybe one person was dealing with something outside of the relationship that was pulling them away physically, mentally, and emotionally. Maybe both people were feeling on edge and quick to argue as a result of having a newborn and little sleep.

Reasons why a couple could be facing a rough patch:

• Big life changes
• Financial stress
• Health issues
• Trust issues
• Work stress
• Family dynamics
• Parenting challenges

Signs of a Rough Patch in a Relationship

While every relationship is different, some characteristics of a “rough patch” may include:

You’re Annoyed by Your Partner

The little things your partner does may be getting on your nerves. This may be because you’re projecting your stress on them. It doesn’t take much for you to get irritated. For example, they’re snoring may really get to you or the their clothes on the floor, even if these things occurred previously.

Arguments Occur More Frequently

You and your partner start misinterpreting each other’s words or actions more often leading to more frequent arguments. Arguments may snowball from very minor things that normally wouldn’t set you off.

Lack of Appreciation or Affection

You start taking each other for granted. There are less of the little, but meaningful things like a quick kiss, a compliment, or a cup of coffee. These sweet gestures and acts of kindness become more rare.

You Feel Emotionally Disconnected

You’re not opening up to each other as much. You don’t feel emotionally supported and are now dealing with your burdens on your own. You may even feel like you’re growing apart because of the detachment.

There’s Decreased Effort

It might not be sexy, but relationships are work. During a rough spot, it can seem like partners are less invested. There may be less quality time spent together, with more time devoted to things outside of the relationship like work, friends, or personal hobbies. Partners may feel unsupported and uncared because their needs are not being met.

Communication is Poor

Bad communication can look like the following:

• Not listening, showing disinterest, or giving in to distractions
• Displaying contentious body language
• Passive aggression
• The “listener” is judgmental and filters messages through their own point of view
• Having a hidden agenda - persuading, controlling, etc.
• Being overly emotional - no longer in control of their thoughts, actions and words

How Do You Fix a Rough Patch in a Relationship?

Work on Your Communication

• Use Positive Language.

“It’s less about what you say and more about how you say it”. Positive language is informative, proactive, and helpful. Reword phrases that have negative words like “can’t”, “don’t”, “stop”, or “shouldn’t”.

• Pay attention to your tone of voice and your body language.

What is your body conveying? Is your voice level and calm?

• Use “I” statements

“You did ___”, and “You said __” are statements that put blame on the other person and likely cause them to get defensive. Instead, try expressing how you feel about their behavior. “I feel ___ when ___”.

Make the Time and Put in the Effort

Make quality time a priority. It might seem unnecessary, but planning out a time to talk can be helpful. It also shows your partner you care and are being intentional. Think about the following:

• When will you be the least distracted and most engaged? Some people prefer setting aside time to talk at the end of the day, but others are too tired to be fully present.
• Are you emotionally available for your partner or do you need time to process or decompress ie. go for a walk?
• Where can you go that will allow you to be comfortable and distraction-free?

Get Vulnerable

It’s not easy to be vulnerable but it’s the key to connection. Vulnerability helps you be more direct with your partner. Instead of beating around the bush, your honesty will save that time and deepen your connection. They won’t have to guess how you feel.

Remember the Good

Rough patches can turn us into a “negative Nancy”, where we see more bad than good. But the reality is that a rough patch is just a drop in the bucket. Tap into all of the countless good times you’ve had. Reminisce with your partner.

Practice Active Listening

Active listening is a skill. It’s often taken for granted though it’s an invaluable relationship superpower. It’s about being truly present, validating, and responsive vs reactive.

1. Reflect

Reflect back on what they’ve said. You’re essentially summarizing what they’ve said. Example: “I hear you. You’re upset because you feel that I disrespected you when I showed up late.”

2. Ask questions

Seek clarification by asking questions. Example: “So you feel that I said that because I don’t care about your feelings, is that right?”

3. See their perspective

Show your partner that you’re willing and able to see their point of view. Example: “I can see why you’d feel upset about x.”

Learn to Fight Well.

It might sound strange, but you can have what’s known as “healthy conflict”. Learn to fight fair and repair.

• Compromise when appropriate
• Inject humor
• Don’t Attack
• Stop Playing Defense
• Remain respectful
• See their perspective
• Assume they have good intentions

Is it a Rough Patch or the End of The Relationship?

It can be hard to know whether it’s a bump in the road or a full-blown car wreck. A good rule of thumb is to ask whether trust is present. In addition to that, here are some signs that the relationship may be in danger:

You Feel Indifferent or Checked Out

Indifference can be a serious red flag in a relationship. This is when you lose interest or become less emotionally engaged in the relationship. Beyond that is beginning to give up on the relationship. This is when your effort to maintain connection is minimal, or non-existent. You avoid deep conversations and stop sharing details about your world.

You’re Constantly in Conflict

The fights are constant and they’re hardly ever resolved. It seems like you’re having the same recurring arguments. The arguments can get ugly with name-calling, sarcasm, and other signs of contempt.

You Don’t Like Who You Are With Them

Sometimes, a relationship can make you lose touch with the person you used to be. If you’re having to give up your own wants or needs this can lead to feelings of frustration or resentment. This happens when you’ve compromised too much, dropped your own interests, or your personal boundaries have been violated.

Other Signs It’s More than a Rough Patch

• Unwillingness to compromise
• Constantly thinking about breaking up
• Resentment
• Living separate lives
• Lack of shared goals
• Constant criticism
• Emotional or physical abuse